Is it REALLY good to have arguments in a relationship?

We've all heard those sayings.. "All healthy couples fight." "If you're not arguing in a relationship, then you're hiding a lot of secrets." "Couples who argue more love each other more." Well, yes, but also maybe no. I think these catch all quotes miss key aspects and if you only live your life with catch all quotes, then you miss how it actually applies in your own life. It's kind of like when your car stops working - you go out to start it; it doesn't start. You could just yell at it, but what's wrong with it? Is there enough oil, is one of the belts broken, did your battery die? When you only look at things at a surface level, how they present currently, then there's a lot of valuable information left out. Not everyone can be skilled in every profession, so pulling in help can be a great way to look at the reasons why things aren't working.

The role conflict plays in relationship comes down to a few parts and it typically has to do with all the factors leading up to the now. The role conflict played in our lives growing up, how we have learned to respond to it and communicate about it, and the dance between our own and our partner's reaction styles. And this dance determines how we attach to our partner in relationships.

One of my professors in grad school, Duey Freeman, who founded the Gestalt Institute of the Rockies and is renowned for his perspective on human development and attachment theory, said something along the lines of "you won't know how you attach to someone until you go through conflict." That one line really became a foundational piece of knowledge of how I interpreted what I saw around me.

My take on this is - until you go through a conflict with someone you're with, until all that messy unprocessed, reactive, avoidant, etc. behaviors can come up, you actually won't know how you can attach to a person. Attachment determines everything, from knowing we can ask our partners for help, to sharing how that thing our partners caused us to feel.. the list goes on. Think of attachment styles. How often do you feel that you can bring up a difficult subject with your partner without worrying that chaos will ensue, that they'll say something that triggers guilt in you, or that they'll just straight up not listen?

My personal learning process has been figuring how to navigate and overcome an anxious-avoidant attachment style (good news is that you CAN change your attachment style so keep on working for it!). For someone so put together - financially stable, solid career path, achieving some pretty big milestones at early ages, with little help - my relationships were an absolute mess. I mean, for a while there (ah-hem, years? gahh!), I was going to work as a substance abuse therapist and then coming home to a partner who is nodding out from his high. Indicator #1 that not all was well with how I was relating to people.

I grew up in a home where there was a lot of conflict, addiction, and emotional turmoil. There was a point when the police were at my house like every weekend... fights between my brother and his friends. Fights between my mom and various boyfriends. Lots of yelling. LOTS of drama. I learned to avoid it. There's no room for rationality in an emotionally charged situation. You'd think that when I was feeling an emotion in this type of home, it would be okay for me to share that. But nope, whenever I had difficult feelings, especially if it related to my mom, or brother, or sister, or dad, there was no room for that. My family took up a lot of space and left very little room for me. So I stopped asking for it. I took care of myself, made my own way, and was there for them because that's how I learned to exist. Ask not, want not, do for.

So began a pattern of relationships where I unintentionally sought out people who asked them same of me. I was not even close to ready to start tackling what was going on with me because I didn't want to be needy, I hate being emotionally messy, and frankly, the people I was with couldn't be in that space with me anyways. Terrified of opening up and being met with "It's not the end of the world Krystal," or my favorite "it's not about you! You're being dramatic and selfish." I was scared of losing someone I care about, and things got more complicated when I needed anything from them, so I just... didn't. I gave them all the space in the relationship, left myself with none, and wondered why I wasn't happy. The end result? Me leaving every time. I got depleted. They were confused because it was so great for them. I mean, imagine having an endless supply of support and encouragement with little work? It was like a winning ticket. For me, it was the same pattern replaying. I just really wanted to stop being so familiar with it, so I had to stop being familiar with it. This meant changing how I showed up with people in my life. This is when I really, although unconsciously, stopped fueling my anxious attachment style.

And next came my avoidant attachment style, in full force. I was in a relationship with someone who I didn't feel connected to at all. 5 years of being completely disconnected from someone, not giving him what he needed, but what I didn't realize was that I was practicing taking up space. Having someone be there for me when I wasn't giving my all to them. I feel bad that this resulted in hurting someone who was and is a really good person that treated me well, but alas, we are human and we're messy. We can only learn from these things. I remember this vividly - I was taking my dog for a walk and thinking "I could just not be alive anymore and that would be okay." I have always been an optimistic, although realistic, person. Second indicator that all was not well in my life. Cue action. I ended it.

The time my way of relating to people changed most notably, where all these various learning experiences and growth points were put to the test, was in my current relationship. I knew that if I didn't want to replay patterns, I would have to listen to that thought narrative in my mind being triggered, and here's the kicker... I had to communicate this. Oh god. Cue panic. First time was when I was taking my dog for a walk in the woods (something about walking that dog, man. Best reflection time). I had been sitting on a feeling that I was really trying to just deal with on my own. Typical ways of relating to this feeling came to mind - "Fuck it, detach! You don't need anyone anyways, Krystal." But doing this would have created a divide. I wouldn't have attached to him. But, I really wanted to be with him, wholly, fully. When I got home from that walk, I brought the issue up with him. Low and behold, he heard me! He didn't put me down, or call me needy, or dismiss what I was sharing. We talked more, came up with compromises, and the most surprising bonus of this whole thing - he then shared how his way of relating to people was keeping that situation going in the first place. He wanted to do things differently, but was stuck at the same impasse, just on opposite ends - "how I do exist with this person without sacrificing my integrity and my own personal needs?" By bringing up this difficult thing, we were both able to take a stop forward - as individuals, and as a couple. Who would have thought? This created the first layer of attachment. It is safe to share my feelings. He feels safe enough to share his.

This process happened multiple times at various points - each time seemed to heal something deeper, and with each talk we had, I was healing. It became safer to share more difficult things. While I feel like he and I have a good rhythym, I know this isn't the end of our learning. Maybe our paths lead in different directions and the purpose of the relationship is just healing old wounds, but by creating this safe space, as long as we engage in conversation with curiosity and openness, and nurture this healing process, I think we'll be just fine regardless of what happens.

I really believe you can't overcome these things unless you're working them out with someone. Relationship issues can only really fully worked through in relationships, friendships, otherships, any and all the ships.

What helped me get here? Self-growth. A desire for happiness, connection, and support. But most of all.. calm, curious communication. You cannot make a safe space if you're blaming, inducing guilt, putting the other person down, or being dismissive of what they're saying. And you cannot create a secure attachment without this safe space. So if you're having issues in relationships, think first about how you're relating to the other person. Don't only just think about what they can do to make you happy. Instead, also think about all the various factors in your life that are being kept alive in this moment. What can YOU change about how engage with others?